Modern Mommie

Attachment-Independent, commitment-freedom.  Why are these concepts polar opposites?  I find them to harmonious and not conflicting.    This word seems to scare Americans.  People are also scared of commitment.  Well, raising a child is a commitment and like it or not you will be attached. 

People are obsessed about being independent.  Really?  Are we ever truly independent?  Think about it, we are never alone or completely self-sufficient.  We are raised in a family, then when we go off on "our own", usually to college.  We have roommates, study groups, and join groups.

Even if you live alone, you still have to rely on others to help run your household; like electric, phone, water, sewer and gas companies.  And everyday when you go to work, guess who's there?  More people.  People are not independent, no matter how much we value the idea of independence.

So why do so many parents try to make their children independent?  This really bothers me. People need other people.  I love having "me" time, but right now while I'm raising my daughter I'm okay knowing I'll get lots of "me" time later.  If she needs me to hold her and I have to pee.  Well then I'm going to hold her while I pee. I'm not going to set her down somewhere and let her cry.  I think doing that would reinforce the idea that I don't care about her needs and not reinforce the idea of independence.  She will become independent in her own time, but for now I love getting to snuggle with her and wake up to her smiling face.

See Other Pages:
Top 6 Reasons I Love to Nurse
12 Things to Know about Breastfeeding

Love to have a plan?  Me too, I like knowing what is coming.  One really fun thing about planning is you get to imagine what your life could be like, and then put in steps to make it happen!  Plans never work out exactly like we plan, but without one I feel lost.  It's comforting to know what to look forward to, but motherhood and being a wife have shown me that day to day living is where the real joy is to be found.

Not sure why but some days are like summer breezes, they are warm, gentle, and soothing. Then other days come at you like a storm quick decisions are needed and every word seems to be thrown at you. I don't handle storms well. It's the unexpected that I struggle to handle with grace, and it's so hard to have a plan for the unexpected.

So I think I need a new PLAN:

Purposeful
Living
Absolutely
Now

Yep, that's what I need.  A plan to be in the moment, when life happens.  To drink in each moment and start living in the now and not hoping for a someday to happen.  And when the storms come up, I will just enjoy them and look for the silver lining that comes with them.

I have a vision for my family: To live together harmoniously.

This is not always easy, but I strive to create a safe, happy ,comfortable and loving environment.  After all these are the people I care most about in the world! Often my vision ends up not being the reality and I find it is too easy to let my mouth run away with itself when I'm at home. The inner beast gets unleashed and sometimes I want to turn around and see who sad that terrible thing, only to realize it was me!  Ah!

Misunderstands, happen too often, I think my husband knows what I'm talking about and then he'll ask a question and I will jab at him with my words. As soon as they leave my mouth I wish I could stuff them back in. There is never any anger or hatred behind them, but my tone would lead any hearer to think otherwise. This is NOT how I want to speak to my wonderful husband and this is NOT the example I want to show my daughter. I want to show her how to talk sweetly.

Only with God's help and lots of practice will this get any better.  I love my husband so much and I want my words to reflect my true feelings and not a breife moment of frustration. People can speak in tongues of angles and with God's help I can speak with love, from love about love.

Just finished How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.  This book was mind opening...I hope I can put it into practice! All the parenting books I've been reading lately come back to one main theme, empathy.  Responding to your children with empathy, and help them to understand their feelings; giving a name to an emotion allows the freedom to then move on from that emotion.  Giving an empathic response defuses a lot of the arguments, and allows children to share their feelings and thoughts.

One of the chapters dealt with discipline, and really suggested finding other ways than disciplining.  At first I thought they were crazy, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.  Don't set yourself, and your child up for discipline.   Take ACTION, this can be hard, but by letting your child become part of a solution lets them not be a problem. 

Like all things, the approach changes with age, and each kid, some respond better to some techniques than others.  Right now my daughter is 1 year old and distraction is the best way to avoid a melt down.  With  my 4 year old nephew, a choice works really well.  This book just had so many good ideas on how to handling a large variety of circumstances.

Such a good read, highly recommended!

Here are the Quick Reminders from the book:

A) Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings; Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected.

     1) Listen quietly and attentively
     2) Acknowledge feelings with a word
     3) Give feelings a name

B) Engage a Child's Cooperation

     1) Describe what you see, or the problem
     2) Give information
     3) Say it with a word
     4) Describe what you feel
     5) Write a note

C) Instead of Punishment

     1) Express your feelings strongly, without attacking character
     2) State your expectations
     3) Show how to make amends
     4) Give a choice
     5) Take action
     6) Problem solve

D )Encourage Autonomy

     1) Let children make choices
     2) Show respect for a child's struggle
     3) Don't ask too many questions
     4) Don't rush to answer questions
     5) Encourage children to use outside resources
     6) Don't take away hope

E) Praise and Self-Esteem

     1) Describe what you see
     2) Describe what you feel
     3) Sum up praiseworthy behavior with a word

F) Free Children from Playing Roles

     1) Look for ways to show the child a new view of themselves
     2) Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently
     3) Let children overhear you praise them
     4) Model behavior you'd like to see
     5) Be a storehouse for your child's special moments
     6) When they act according to an old label, state your feelings and express your expectations

My baby girl is one. What a year. I've gotten to stay home with her and watch her amazing development; her little personality take shape and watch her start to navigate her way in the world. She mobile and independent, but still attached and helpless all at the same time. I have loved each stage as it comes and am looking forward to the next and all the joy and challenges it will bring. Happy First Birthday beautiful daughter.

The day started like any other. Aislie woke up happy, she danced while I drew a bath; ate breakfast, and then we played.  I thought about getting out of the house and running errands, but first I needed to use the bathroom.

I held her hands as we walked towards the bathroom, then had her sit down and play while I did my business. She wasn't content so I grabbed a coat-hanger and dub her queen of hanging clothes. I put the hanger down as I grabbed the toilet paper. That's when it happened.

At my feet, my little girl hooked her face with the hanger I had given her. At first I thought she had gotten her mouth so I scooped her up and went to give her some Arnica and nurse (that fixes almost anything). When I gave her the Arnica that's when I noticed the blood; it was not coming from her mouth, but her eye! Oh Merciful God, please help us! She was still crying and her eyes weren't open, I called Todd (my husband and her Daddy). He told me to call 911. I hung up, knowing he was on his way, and called 911. Daddy got home before the ambulance. At this point she had stopped crying and the bleeding had stopped. Her eye was open and looked fine. Thank God, she probably just caught her eyelid!

The EMTs checked her out, and we made an appointment with the pediatrician. Went to the pediatrician's and by now she has almost no signs except some dried blood around her eye, which she would not let me clean.  Her eye is FINE!  Praise God, things could have been so much worse....

She falls asleep on the ride home we nurse some and I make sure she is sleeping good. I hug my husband before he goes back to work and then I sit in the quiet house. I am so thankful that it is not as bad as it could have been.

What could have happened makes me feel sick.  She was at my feet, not in another room but right in front of me.  I gave her that darn coat-hanger to play with.  Ah!  I feel so helpless and out of control.  My mind races, with what if and thank God. Guilt, that's not strong enough a word to describe how I feel. Am I the worst parent ever?  How could God let me steward of this precious little life even when I might fail? Was this just a reminder that I am not the one in control?  Things will happen and even when things look the bleakest, God will be there with me, guiding me on His path.

This bathroom trip has helped put things into perspective.  Be grateful for every day, even the "bad" ones (which aren't really so bad).  Things can change in a moment.  Something as mundane as a coat hanger could change your life, so be grateful for every healthy day you get!