I Thought I Knew How to Talk....

Just finished How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.  This book was mind opening...I hope I can put it into practice! All the parenting books I've been reading lately come back to one main theme, empathy.  Responding to your children with empathy, and help them to understand their feelings; giving a name to an emotion allows the freedom to then move on from that emotion.  Giving an empathic response defuses a lot of the arguments, and allows children to share their feelings and thoughts.

One of the chapters dealt with discipline, and really suggested finding other ways than disciplining.  At first I thought they were crazy, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.  Don't set yourself, and your child up for discipline.   Take ACTION, this can be hard, but by letting your child become part of a solution lets them not be a problem. 

Like all things, the approach changes with age, and each kid, some respond better to some techniques than others.  Right now my daughter is 1 year old and distraction is the best way to avoid a melt down.  With  my 4 year old nephew, a choice works really well.  This book just had so many good ideas on how to handling a large variety of circumstances.

Such a good read, highly recommended!

Here are the Quick Reminders from the book:

A) Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings; Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected.

     1) Listen quietly and attentively
     2) Acknowledge feelings with a word
     3) Give feelings a name

B) Engage a Child's Cooperation

     1) Describe what you see, or the problem
     2) Give information
     3) Say it with a word
     4) Describe what you feel
     5) Write a note

C) Instead of Punishment

     1) Express your feelings strongly, without attacking character
     2) State your expectations
     3) Show how to make amends
     4) Give a choice
     5) Take action
     6) Problem solve

D )Encourage Autonomy

     1) Let children make choices
     2) Show respect for a child's struggle
     3) Don't ask too many questions
     4) Don't rush to answer questions
     5) Encourage children to use outside resources
     6) Don't take away hope

E) Praise and Self-Esteem

     1) Describe what you see
     2) Describe what you feel
     3) Sum up praiseworthy behavior with a word

F) Free Children from Playing Roles

     1) Look for ways to show the child a new view of themselves
     2) Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently
     3) Let children overhear you praise them
     4) Model behavior you'd like to see
     5) Be a storehouse for your child's special moments
     6) When they act according to an old label, state your feelings and express your expectations